07/21/2008

I had a little bit better of a day today. I got to see Eli. Its his birthday, so he came over, I made him cookies, and we hung out for a while. I really enjoy spending time with him, he makes me feel on top of the world.He tells me how beautiful I am, and that he misses me and loves me.But I cant help but think, does he really, or is he just saying it to say it.He doesnt call, we see each other maybe 1 day out of the week. All of his stuff is at my house, he claims to live ther, but never is there.I just dont know. I only feel this way when he leaves. We have such a good time together, he makes me feel so happy when we are together.Why do I feel so insecure, I have never felt so insecure in a relationship.Am I just afraid to lose him? I guess maybe I have begun to depend on him so much, he is very attentive when he is around, I just feel like I would miss the attention if we split. I have never had so much attention in a relationship before it feels good, and its seems like we are the only 2 on earth when he is around, like nothing else matters.
So I ask again why doesnt he call or come over often? Has he lost interest? Did he get too confortable, just relying on me to call or see if he wants to hang out. He did ask me today why I didnt call him last night. I was thinking, why didnt you call me. Its a 2 way relationship guy, so whats the deal.We were having such a good time together I didnt want to mess it up.The subject is really bothering me though.Does he really take our relationship seriously, or is he just playing games. I dont know, wish I knew the answer.

07/20/08 thoughts

You know when you have that gut feeling that something just isn't right? Or maybe is just being paranoid or extreme exhaustion.Well, anyways that's how I feel today. Eli and I haven't seen much of each other we both work, alot, and opposite hours.We don't talk on the phone much either.I decided starting last night, I will not call him, or email him anymore.I will let him come to me.I don't want to come off as this needy girlfriend.But I cant help but think is he trying to push me away? He kept 2 secrets from me already, I have always told him I am willing to listen, and if there is something he needs to get off his chest, I will always listen.But I mean he comes up with this stuff months later. It really bothers, and so I feel this great feeling of anxiety, is it me? I hope by getting this off my chest I will feel better about it, or maybe some good advice from others would help. I'm the impatient type and want answers now, that's alot of my problem.I just feel this sick feeling in my stomach.Ive tried talking to him about things but he jokes about everything, so I gave up on that.I know its unhealthy to feel worried like this, and I feel almost dependant on him, which I never have before, and for that I worry also.I know alot of my insecurities have to do with my previous relationship, 6 years way too long.
Ugghhh... just make this feeling go away.